Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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