I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
