So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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