dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
