So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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