I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
