my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
