I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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