Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
