Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
