I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
