Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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