i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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