They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
