The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
