You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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