i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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