I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
