You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think my fart just growled at me.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
