i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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