apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
