I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
