I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
