This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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