she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize