I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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