stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
