Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
