Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
