Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
