3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
