My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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