I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
