i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
