You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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