R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude i'm inner monologue high
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
