I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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