My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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