I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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