look no pants
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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