so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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