Define "chronic" masturbator.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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