Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
