I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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