You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just puked most of my soul out..
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