I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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