he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
