Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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