remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
