I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
