btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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