I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
