in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize