I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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