I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
And then he peed in my hair
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