If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize