Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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