We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize